So, a part of America probably watched this last night, a small part of it probably did it for more than 15 minutes, and a tiny part of that part may have understood what was going on or could name maybe three of four people on stage. We have to be realistic about these things, since none of the proceedings involved B-list celebrities singing in masks or some schmuck from Des Moines being screamed at by a chef. You know, pocket book issues middle America actually cares about…
Anyway, 10 people came together in a city known for making shitty cars with the power of ideological anti-Semitism to decide which one of them can possibly, maybe, theoretically stand a chance of defeating the fellow who thinks that Barack Obama has black-magically gotten jiggy with the White House air conditioning system to keep America from great-againing.
Picking winners and losers in these things is what everyone normally does the next day, so let’s get down to it, because at least one goddamn loser is definitely easy to spot. I am, of course, talking of whoever it was at CNN who made a little TV screen out of thumbs and forefingers, put it against John Freaking Delaney’s picture and said, “Fellas, I think we have our star!”
Yes, the guy whose only signature accomplishment was, I believe, getting punched out by Bill Murray, got to carry the banner of “Fuck Socialism!” that at least three other sane, competent, down-to-earth, eminently electable Reagan-era Republicans were fighting for. He got body slammed by Elizabeth Warren for his trouble, but bless his little center-right heart.
I will try to follow the same format as last time but I ain’t promising a damn thing, because I am American, and if you don’t like it, you can leave my country.
Clear Winners
Elizabeth Warren (credo: “Ask what you can do for your country and ask not what you are too much of a goddamn pussy to even dream about!”) and Bernie Sanders (credo: “Every time I say “damn”, a little Trotsky is born into the world!”) who had clearly signed a non-aggression pact. In fact, the two are absolutely inseparable here and last night they mostly reminded me of all those scenes in American action films where two heroes stand back to back and kick away onrushing minions while exchanging snappy one-liners.
Neither of them did anything to make any progressive voters run into the outstretched arms of Kamala Harris and will continue to split most of the left constituency between themselves. More than that, both landed plenty of punches. Warren first got her hands bloody early on when she showed up with a folding chair to what looked like a Sanders-Delaney cage match. Later on, she summarily eviscerated the bald Fighter Against Dreams with one of the best lines of the night: “You know, I don’t understand why anybody goes to all the trouble of running for president of the United States just to talk about what we really can’t do and shouldn’t fight for.”
Which is great, but won’t make nearly as good of a t-shirt as Sanders’ “I wrote the damn bill!” thrown into Ryan’s face. Both of them called out the Moderate Squad on using Republican talking points, both spoke with passion and conviction and, damn it, there hasn’t been such a great tag team of Snarky Jew and Faithful Goy since Karl Marx and Friedriech Engels. Also, Snarky Jew and Faithful Goy should probably be a TV show. Call me, HBO.
Neither of them delivered a knockout punch to the Limp Dick Faction, however, because neither provided a clear answer to some of the more insidious questions from CNN. The “How will you convince Americans to pay more in taxes for Medicare-For-All?” or “Why do you want to give illegals all our money?” type of bullshit. CNN wasn’t wrong to include these because, let’s face it, voters are stupid, are easily scared by words like “taxes” and “socialism” and are hard to convince by numbers since America, famously, does not believe in math. These are the types of things Republicans will hammer on, and Liz and Bernie better have easy-to-grasp, iron-clad answers at the ready.
Hate to Admit It, But Also a Winner
John Delaney (credo: “I am running as a pussy, I will win as a pussy, I am a proud, unabashed, Grade A pussy who will go to the White House and not do a goddamn thing except for looking this good, ladies!”)
This fucking Republican declared himself right away as an enemy of dreams whose one simple wish is to defeat Donald Trump so that Reaganomics can become great again. Ironically, his preferred talking point of the night, “fairy-tale economics”, was an homage to George Bush the Elder, who used “voodoo economics” when attacking Reagan, but irony is dead in 2019, so who the hell cares. He did a fine job explaining to everyone what he will not do as president. For those of you who think inspiration is Satan’s work, he just might be an ideal candidate. CNN certainly seemed to think so.
Underratedly Good
Pete Buttigieg (Credo: “Let’s face it, America, I am too smart for you. But, just in case, have you met my good friend… Jesus?”)
OK, so he is devotedly Christian and also believes that Republicans have a conscience, but, I guess, nobody is perfect. He did drop a lot of truth bombs last night, though, including the “No matter what we say, Republicans will paint us as three miles left of Kropotkin” and, most importantly, “We can’t achieve anything anyway without big systemic changes to our obsolete and clunky government system.” He tried to stay above the left-right fray and he still hasn’t done much to win over the black vote, but if he can make his “Medicare For All Who Want It” thing stick, he can sway a lot of Biden voters.
Holy Shit, It Actually Wasn’t Bad!
Marianne Williamson (Credo: “I will bring forth the angels, exorcise the demons and banish, oh will I banish the monsters that haunt you in the night. Begone, minions of darkness. Be the fuck gone!”)
Yes, OK, she might be an actual witch, but she was the only one who said the one thing the entire freaking civilized world has been asking themselves for decades. “Why are Americans so vehemently opposed to the idea of government providing them with nice shit, which is WHAT GOVERNMENT IS FOR, GODDAMN IT?”
Her line about racism being a “dark psychic force” (What a moonbat! Everyone knows the proper term is “very fine people”!) will get the most attention, but she made a lot more sense than people gave her credit for. Anyway, it’s a low bar, but the Hogwarts divination teacher at least showed that she would certainly be an improvement over the current president.
Did Kinda OK
Beto O’Rourke (“I have traveled to every county. Even the racist ones. Like, actual KKK County, TX and No Jews County, TX. I have been to drive-through liquor stores and Guns Я Us. I have been places, folks…”)
OK, so he tried to spend his precious time on reminding people how awesome and inspirational his losing Senate campaign was (true fact: he lost to an actual ball of sleaze), but his point is that he can talk to all Americans and have them come together in appreciation of his tanned well-aged-rocker visage. Which isn’t really wrong. Is there anyone out there who thinks Beto is a bad guy?
If his goal was to deliver a better performance than last time, he succeeded. If his goal was to present a clear alternative to the Lefties and the Junior Reaganites, Mayor Pete still has that base covered. Beto still looked like an empty suit, albeit slightly better ironed this time.
An Emphatic Meh
Amy Klobuchar (Credo: “Long-suffering, forgotten Midwestern voters! Finally, a candidate who is white for you!”)
She also hates dreams, naturally, but her main pitch to “Middle America” was that the Democratic Party is also full of very, very light-skinned people who will, you know, not abandon “the forgotten man.” I mean, have you ever heard the phrase “champion high school swimmer” used as racial code? Now you have. Klobuchar is running as someone who can win over the Red Hat Brigade in the Rust Belt as if it’s even theoretically possible. It was never clear why she is a better choice than Biden, who is all that she is and is also appealing to minorities, and it’s not any clearer now.
Go Away
Tim Ryan (Credo: “My code word for white people is “unions”!)
He is doing a tremendous job running for president of rural Ohio. He is exactly the kind of decent, uninspiring dude who’d make it great. Notice, I am not saying “again.” This is also an area notoriously short of cranky Jewish gandpas, which explains why Ryan was so ill-prepared to argue with one. When Bernie “America’s Burst Aneurism” Sanders began yelling at him, Ryan all but backed out of the room, bleating “Whoa, dude, we are not, like, actually disagreeing here!” But, yeah, saying you are pro-union and pro-worker to Bernie Fucking Sanders’ goddamn face was probably not the smartest move.
John Hickenlooper (Credo: “Still fighting Brezhnev so you don’t have to”)
He hates socialism. He really, really fucking hates socialism. Just give him a Soviet flag to tear away at with his teeth and he will be happy all day long. Just give him a picture of Lenin to gnaw at. My god, is this guy beside himself at the very thought of socialism. He may give Khrushchev a thrashing in some battleground states.
Steve Bullock (Credo: “You know, Trump is actually kind of awesome!”)
His little scripted insult for Bernie and Liz was “wish-list economics” which may just land him a column in The Bulwark once his governor term is over. But his pitch was that Trump voters voted for Trump because of… are you ready?.. economic anxiety. Seriously. He wants to harness all that awesome Trump energy in his blood-red state and use it for the force of good. Whatever that might be. Yep, another person who thinks Trumpists can be converted if only the Dems find a candidate white enough.
Random thoughts
The best thought of the night was shouted down by the moderators. When Delaney was out there pontificating on how he was in healthcare business, Bernie shouted from his podium: “It’s not a business!” but was never able to finish.
Of course, we also had Ryan tearfully lecturing Sanders and Warren about union workers having to give away better wages for healthcare as if it’s a good thing! Tim Fucking Ryan wants his beloved union workers to keep giving away better wages for healthcare instead of having the latter being provided to them by the government and being free to fight for the former. Because it’s the American way, damn it!
Williamson is pretty goddamn right after all, you know.
