OK, America, you are going to need to explain to me what exactly is so difficult about chewing gum and walking at the same time. We had gum in the Soviet Union (albeit the shitty, non-bubbling kind) and we never had any trouble combining the two activities. In fact, watching hockey as a kid, I seem to clearly remember Canadians chewing gum and skating, which has to be more difficult. How did these two easily combinable endeavors become the bar for multitasking? Now, chewing gum and chugging vodka, that’s something to brag about…
That important point made, let’s look at who came out chewin’ and walkin’ at the second night of the Democratic debates in Detroit. Just like in Episode 1, there were two major targets in the middle of the stage that folks were eager to lit into. Unlike in Episode 1, the two frontrunners did not abstain from swinging at each other. Also unlike the previous night, they didn’t dish out as much as they took in.
Clear Winner
Cory Booker (Credo: “Where I come from, smiling this broadly means your ass is grass, mofo!”)
He did well in the first debate but never really moved the needle, probably because Kamala Harris, his main rival for the black vote, had a superstar performance. This time, Booker utterly outplayed her and everyone else, so let’s see where this takes him in the polls. He was relaxed and seemed to enjoy the proceedings intensely. I mean, for all any of us know he could have well invented that Kool-Aid quote thrown at Biden right then and there, but damn if it didn’t work. “If you want to compare records – and, frankly, I am shocked that you do…” was a haymaker that landed right on the kisser. Shit, the ex-football player could have done a sack dance at that point and the Midwest would have had a long, deep think…
Also, did Cory actually imply in his closing statement that his family struggled hard to get out of Detroit and succeeded all the way to Newark? Man, with a bit more effort, they could’ve wound up in Baltimore!
Helped Themselves
Julian Castro (Credo: “¡Adios! Honestly, that’s about all I know”)
I am not sure I understand the value of arguing impeachment when you are running to replace Trump anyway, but fuck it, he landed the Moscow Mitch line, and we can all appreciate that. A second straight solid performance from the former blue chip who competently attacked Biden and didn’t absorb any punishment. Of course, it’s hard to imagine anyone actually preparing to attack Julian Castro, but that could change soon. Like, seriously, Julian, did you actually brag about being the HUD Secretary when Flint happened? Why would you do that, man?
Tulsi Gabbard (Credo: “The nukes are falling! They are falling, people, and you will be ash! Many will die, because there aren’t enough fridges to hide in!”) Slapped Kamala pretty damn hard proving she isn’t just about “let’s stay out of all wars” abdication of power politics. She can deliver a line and play on emotions with the best of them. Damn if I can remember what she actually stands for besides not shooting at folks anymore but her internet searches probably went up again, so she is gonna be in this race for a bit more, thanks to all the creeps.
Andrew Yang (Credo: “The planet is screwed, so I give you free money to head for the hills!”)
Fuck, this man hates ties! I mean, on this issue alone his debate against Trump, who is his polar philosophical opposite here, would have been fascinating. But also, after being given like 15 seconds to speak in the first debate, “the Asian man who likes math” got much more of a spotlight here. He and Castro also did something Warren failed to do Tuesday night: competently explain why illegally crossing the border should not be treated as a felony.
Tactically, Yang played the Buttigieg role, trying to hover above the fray as the contenders tore away at Harris and Biden and being all intellectual and junk. This is his biggest mistake because America doesn’t like intellectuals. America likes overweight redneck girls preparing for beauty pageants.
Did OK
Kirsten Gillibrand (Credo: “My mouth says kind things, but my face says this mayo has expired”)
It was lovely how she mentioned being able to win a red-leaning district in Upstate New York but forgot to explain that she did it by being pro-gun, anti-abortion and pro-going medieval on illegal immigrants’ asses. All positions that – and I am taking a wild swing in the dark here – she probably won’t reiterate in 2020. For all the effort she exerted, though, her attack on Biden was the most ham-fisted of the night and gave Uncle Joe a chance to score major sympathy points with his single-parent story.
Also, I am not 100% sure that “I can explain white privilege to Wisconsin” is a winning position in the race for the black vote. Still, she was feisty, forceful and obviously came to fight for her campaign’s dear life. She may have just extended it into November.
And, hey, “Clorox the Oval Office” is great t-shirt material, especially considering that she is currently shilling shit with “Just Trying To Get Some Ranch” on it. Fuck, she really is running on speaking to white folk!
On the Defensive
Joe Biden (Credo: “Go easy on me, kid!”)
OK, fine, it was better than last time. Fuck, it’s so hard to dislike the old fella. Especially because almost everyone came out with their Biden-wackers that night, Kamala first and foremost, and his way of fighting back is the weaponized sense of genuine surprise. But for a guy who once decapitated Rudy Giuliani with that great “a noun, a verb and 9/11” line, he is mentioning Barack Obama a fuckton of times too many. Have we considered that he just might not be that great of a debater, everyone? I mean, the dude interrupts himself most of the time talking to some really nice people on stage; how many words do you think an asshole like Trump will let him utter?
He did fight back a few times and landed a nice one on Gillibrand and a decent one on Kamala, which shows the old Irish brawler can still strike that Notre Dame logo pose, but where is the fire, Joe?
Kamala Harris (Credo: “Honey, I fuck people up. This is what I do!”)
This kid ain’t going easy on nobody. Say what you will about the Prosecutor-in-Cheif candidate, but when she raises that middle finger I know of at least one Russian who wants to go to the bathroom. But this time, she was gettin’ as good as she was givin’, and, holy crap, did Tulsi Gabbard come out of nowhere to drop the gloves on Miss I’m Frontrunner Now. Kamala was visibly rattled by this and didn’t even try to hide her contempt. Amiable old neighbor Biden she isn’t, and it was pretty damn hard to feel sorry for her.
Meh
Jay Inslee (“Earth is green, sky is blue, roses are red, Trump is a white nationalist”)
He wants to leave this planet to his grandchildren in a state that, if it at all can be helped, doesn’t quite look exactly like a skull-strewn hellscape with mechanized Arnold Schwarzeneggers roaming around. So, that’s commendable.
Michael Bennet (Credo: “Am I boring you? Just let me know when I start boring you, m’kay?”)
Fuck, people, I think he is actually that teacher from South Park. Isn’t he? The state checks out, at least.
Go Away
Bill De Blasio (Credo: “If you want your socialism with less Jew”)
Trying to present himself as Sanders with a side of ham, he once again learned it the hard way that there is only one New Yorker who can yell and get red in the face and not come off as a total asshole.
Random Thought
Why the hell is everyone acting as if Trump is some kind of an unbeatable machine who knows Debate Kung-Fu and can break spines with a slight movement of his eyebrows? Why is everyone talking of him as Bolo Yeung from Bloodsport who can only succumb to the toughest and most skilled opponent? Am I the only son of a bitch who remembers him being knocked out by Carly “Who?” Fiorina? Am I the only one who remembers that Hillary Clinton shat on his face in three debates straight? Am I the only one who doesn’t consider the “Lemme tell you how large my dick is” line to have been a major winner for him?
Trump sucks at debates! He is in the White House in spite of them, not because! If you are not a total pussy who runs away from a dude whose only tactic is to be mean, he’s got nothing except sandbox insults. Folks like Kamala, Liz, Bernie or Cory who can dish it harder and more articulately can fuck him up on stage, no problem.
Imagine if Democrats stopped beating themselves for a change…
