Political debates are no longer really a thing in Russia. I mean, they still exist, but are greatly hampered by the fact that Putin doesn’t show up, giving the whole thing an aura of bush league circus, which is exactly what Dear Leader wants to present opposition candidates as. Analyzing the proceedings and ranking winners and losers is a completely pointless endeavor in Russian politics, as is voting, to think of it. We aren’t at this point yet in the States, so inasmuch as the folks arguing on TV are important here, below is my condensed take on who did the best job on the first night.
Clear winners
Warren (1st debate credo: “I was born in literal shit. Like, have you seen Oklahoma? Literal shit! Don’t ever go there!”). She didn’t have to make a name for herself; she had no real rivals on stage so her only goal was to come across as coherent and competent. She did, with room to spare. Sure, all the Republican Never-Trumpers who have crashed the party lately presuming they can dictate the terms to the Democrats in hopes of getting their precious vote will lament her outrageous leftiness. Does she need to smile more, guys? I feel like she definitely needs to. Gotta smile the shit out of the likeability factor. But all those lovely Midwestern non-college whites aside (I am sure they’d vote blue in a jiffy if not for all that Harvard Communism, right?), she did her thing is aplomb and confidence.
Castro (credo: “Tranquilo, hermanos! I usually speak gringo, but hey, look at my fucking face!”). He had to show people who the hell he is, and the picture was: a very passionate and articulate guy who can argue convincingly and cares about things. He’s all about immigration and, luckily for him, the debate questions played right into his hands, but hey, you gotta separate yourself from the B-team somehow, and he did his best. He’ll stick around and rise in the polls.
Booker (credo: “Hold my cerveza!”). Spoke with a lot of conviction, which really helps a guy with kind of a sleazy rep. I’ll listen to more of him. Also, those of you who feel uncomfortable with a black dude speaking a bit of Spanish ain’t never gonna vote for a Democrat in the first place, so nobody needs to listen to your ass.
Did OK
DeBlasio (credo: “You were born in shit? I run the fucking shit factory! Have you seen New York? Surviving here for more than 24 hours will scar you for life. Fallujah is a fucking summer retreat!”). He was far to the left of everyone on stage and presented himself exactly the way he wanted to: as a combatant who can strangle Trump with his bare hands. It won’t be enough, but it will probably keep him afloat long enough to still be there for debate number 2. Hey, if the rest of the country already thinks of your city as a cesspool of crime where breathing is a blood sport and only the ruthless survive long enough to raise a brood of street-smart guttersnipe children to pickpocket for a living, why not present yourself as the king of the trash heap? We already know America has no qualms about voting for obnoxious New Yorkers.
Klobuchar (credo: “If Democrats are smart, they will nominate someone who coddles fragile white GOP voters, and I coddle those fuckers like a boss”). Sure, she was meh, but meh is her campaign slogan, so fine. See, Never-Trumpers, there is someone who want to threaten you with Marxist ideas like “hey, let’s not have people choose between getting pills and eating”, after all.
Inslee (credo: “We are all gonna die!”). He got very little speaking time but used it efficiently. Loved his answer on America’s greatest threat. Also, “Windmills cause jobs!” is a ready-made poster.
Gabbard (credo: “Brought to you by Russia Today”). She looks good, she speaks well, she is abhorrent and needs to disappear, but hell, she kicked Ryan’s ass right out of the ballpark. I can definitely understand what the Kremlin trolls see in her.
Losers
Delaney (credo: “If Democrats are smart, they will nominate an actual Republican!”). He saw Klobuchar’s lack of inspiration and raised her a straight up cold shower. Yeah, you might not know who I am, but elect me and I absolutely fucking promise that I won’t address a single issue you care about because they are too scary for American voters. Never-Trumpers should take note that it is recommended they contact a physician if their erection lasts longer than three hours.
Ryan (credo: “I know what it’s like to never be heard”). Go home, congressman, look in the mirror and reflect on this one thing: AOC has been in Congress for half a year versus your 17, and she has no fucking idea what it’s like to never be heard.
And, holy crap, what a loser
Beto (credo: “My lords and ladies. I suppose this is the most important moment of our lives. What we decide today will reverberate through the annals of history. I stand before you as one of the senior lords in the country, a veteran of two wars, and I’d like to think my experience has led to some small skill in statecraft and I understand that–”). Nervous, vague, unconvincing, got completely manhandled by Castro. Weak tea, Beto. You won’t disappear overnight, but, please, learn from this and be better. We need the best you for the Senate run.
A random observation.
In 2008, only the far, far, far left Dennis Kucinich had the guts to speak out in favor of gay marriage. That famed Communist Barack Obama was vehemently against it. Others were to the right of Obama on the issue.
Last night, everyone was at Kucinich’s level or further to the left, and Gabbard was forced to grovel and apologize for her stupid father’s views.
Progress is good.
