I surely hope America can recover from the shock of seeing actually sane people, and Marianne Williamson, present their credentials to run the country. Like, do we still do that now? Sane. In the White House? You may disagree with their ideas or their wardrobe choices, but it’s hard to argue that any of them (and Marianne Williamson) would not be preferable what’s occupying 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue at this point.
Here is what went down on the second night of the Kick Trump Out Qualifying Tournament, in this foul-mouthed Russian’s opinion.
Clear winners
Harris (debate credo: “Assistant principal lady gonna axe you some questions, and if you need to excuse yourself to change your pants, she understands”). Yeah, all the headlines will be about how she murdered, and she murdered, let’s be honest. Clarity – check, conviction – check, strength – check, and Uncle Joe will need some time to excavate that high heel out of his colon. She had to have a strong night because her main competitor, Booker, did well on Wednesday, and now he is in the rear-view mirror. If the black vote doesn’t come around after this, she may have to start playing saxophone at the next debate… I mean, who the hell expected busing to be a big issue going into last night? She can knock Trump down and wipe her ass with him before he can say “nasty woman.” She is probably vaulting herself into the top three with this effort.
Buttigieg (credo: “Let us not be afraid to speak in complete, grammatically correct sentences”). The way he looked at Swalwell after the latter’s silly attack on his personnel policies is probably the closest he ever came to murdering a man. And Pete has been to war. This man is the very epitome of intelligentsia which makes me like him in what I am not 100% sure is an entirely platonic way. Of course, if Russian history teaches us anything, it’s that this particular group of people can never be given reigns of a country, but, honestly, which group of people in Russia can? Fuck Russia. Pete was thoughtful, honest and goddamn adorable. He stood like a mensch and blamed himself for the woes of the black community of South Bend, he killed with the Trump quip, he explained his views in a clear manner. Which is impressive, because, if you read his campaign website, you will have exactly zero idea what he actually wants to achieve.
Did OK
Bernie (credo: “I will ignore the bullshit premise of your question, because this armored vehicle in front of the Romanov Winter Palace that I am standing on is a little loud”). He did pretty well, all things considered. He called Trump all kinds of names, he stayed true to himself, he had absolutely no fucking time for any attempts to drive him off message. Problem is, it doesn’t work quite as well when you are no longer the only progressive choice. Folks might not be as enamored with the old cantankerous truth-bomb thrower anymore. I envision quite a lot of Americans gasped at his frank admission that they will pay more in taxes and screamed that this crazy old commie will wrench their $8000 emergency-room bill out of their cold dead hands.
Still, he did nothing to turn away his still sizable fan club.
Meh
Hickenlooper (credo: “Hell no, Brezhnev has to go!”) He came to fight socialism, apparently convinced that folks are more pissed off with Karl Marx’s principles of reorganizing the ownership of the means of production than with Donald Fucking Trump. His most telling line of the night was to the effect that Democrats must do all they could to avoid being called socialists by the GOP. Fuck, he is going to clean up with the ex-Soviet over-60 voters! Listen, dude, if you think the GOP won’t call ANY GODDAMN DEMOCRAT a socialist, I have a bridge in Pripyat you might be interested in. Sit the hell down.
But, yes, he can now be identified clearly. “Yeah, it’s the Republican guy with hair!”
Bennet (credo: “Betcha didn’t know I was a Jew”). He won the Holocaust reference of the night contest and I like his quip about the “medieval wall” (the Byzantine lobby won’t be happy, though), but he did nothing to separate himself from the rest of the B-team. Stay in the Senate, Michael, and take Hickenlooper with you.
Clear loser
Biden (credo: “Let me tell you about a friend of mine… Some guy called… BARACK!”). How do you fail to say “malarkey” on the same night Bernie said “damn”? You are getting old, Joe… He came to play defense because he knew he’d be targeted. Unfortunately, his defense was weak and he came across as old and tired. He is not an unlikeable guy, Uncle Joe. He is a genuinely good old fella. I’d play checkers with him in the park, no fucking problem. But it may have been the night when many people started seriously wondering whether he can beat Trump. Sorry, Biden, dragging Obama on stage with you ain’t gonna work. He is still the front runner because centrists don’t have anyone else to galvanize around yet, but he is badly shaken.
Go home
Yang (credo: “Fuck ties! FUCK FUCKING TIES!”). He had three minutes of speaking time. I am not sure I can place a Starbucks order under such constraints, since I usually have to spell out my name and specify clearly that I don’t want any fucking room for cream.
Gillibrand (credo: “Fuck rules. Fuck politeness. Fuck specifically you. Fuck everything!”). Stepped on everyone’s lines, came across as rude, and really should have looked taller standing on the mangled remains of Franken’s career. Klobuchar may be the one throwing actual binders, but it was Kirsten who looked like a horrible movie boss. The fact that she could not focus on one issue didn’t help. She wants to be the champion of women’s rights, but Harris can outwoman her any day of the week.
Swalwell (credo: “Give me that torch! I wanna torch! Torchtorchtorchtorchtorch!”) He memorized one line of attack and ran with it in a straight line that would have been the envy of that famous running back of the Alabama Crimson Tide, Forrest Gump. The most bush league candidate in the bunch, which included our next item.
Wha?
Williamson (credo: “A grey sky is actually a blue sky covered up by grey clouds. A guilty person is actually an innocent soul covered up by mistaken behavior. God is big and swine flu is small. Pour God into our immune systems. Spirit impregnates soul. Visualize the oil spill plugged. Close your eyes for 5 minutes and see angels coming over it, filling it with sane and sacred thoughts.”)
OK, I am going to slowly back away now. Please, tell me when Cruella de Vil on ecstasy is gone. The PM of New Zealand is surely gonna breathe the sigh of relief when she drops the fuck out.
Random thought. I really wonder how many pundits will scream bloody murder at all of the candidates’ raising their hands in response to the question of whether they support normal, mainstream center-left proposals that are commonplace everywhere else in the world but are considered Leninism in America for whatever stupid reason.
